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No diet will remove
all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without
a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.

~George Bernard Shaw

It seems that a
lot of people are dieting recently, trying everything from an all-carbohydrate
to an all-protein mix. I have another suggestion, one that has worked
through the ages: the "Beer-Me" diet. Personally, I have a "liquid
dinner" every time I go to the club on Friday night!
FACT: A lite beer has between 70 and 100 calories, is
almost all water, and the part that isnt water is almost pure carbohydrates.

FACT: The average diet recommends a daily caloric intake
of 1,200 calories for women, 1,500 for men, if you want to lose the medically
safe two to three pounds a week. On the "Beer-Me" diet, that
equates to at least 12 beverages a day for women, and 15 for men. A measurable
goal.
FACT: The alcohol in beer is a diuretic, which causes
the water to flush out almost immediately, leading to a consistent workout
regimen including deep knee bends (getting out of the chair), fast walking
(very good for your heart) and squats (as the case may be).
FACT: Drinking beer actually helps you sleep-even when
you arent necessarily tired. All that added rest is certain to help any
problems you may have experienced in sleep deprivation, counting calories
on those other fad diets. In addition, you may experience the occasional
"How did I get here?" when you wake up, which always makes for
lively conversation, and possibly additional exercise if you have to sneak
out and run home.
FACT: The "Beer-Me" diet is good for your
heart. After just one day of consuming your required 12-15 beers, you
will certainly want to consume some aspirin, which is medically proven
to help prevent heart attacks.
FACT: On the "Beer-Me" diet you can eat anything
you want. The only rule is that you cannot consume any food until you
have consumed at least half of the days required beers. This way the
food will probably only stay in your body a short time, until you again
exercise the deep knee bends, quick walk and, this time, the "lean-over-and-hurl"
stomach crunches.
FACT: Beer drinking is often done in bars, where other
forms of exercise are common. Dancing, for example, is a good way to build
up a thirst, as is chasing members of the opposite sex. If you really
want to maximize your workout, try actually walking up to the bar, versus
using a waitress. To take this to the extreme, you could even get up and
get someone else a beer-perhaps someone who is newer to the diet plan
than yourself.
FACT: Beer is cheaper than Jenny Craig.
Based on these facts, lets run through a given scenario for diet implementation.

CAUTION: This is a weekend diet plan, and should be
attempted during the work week by only the staunchest of dieters.
MONDAY THROUGH THURSDAY: Eat junk food, and basically
be a slob.
FRIDAY: Feeling "huge," swing by the liquor
store and stock up. Go to favourite place of beer drinking and begin the
consumption process (remember 12 for women, 15 for men).
SATURDAY: Wake up (as required) and lounge around all
day, feeling slightly smaller after expunging any food that you may have
accidentally consumed (particularly if it involved beef jerky from 7-11).
Take aspirin. Notice that you have absolutely no interest in food, anyway.

SATURDAY (p.m.): Restart cycle, noticing that your appetite
has still not returned. Perhaps only meet half of your consumption goal
due to an ongoing discussion with "the dog that bit you." This
is a good thing, as only half-consumption means less than 1,000 calories
for the day, and you still dont feel hungry.
SUNDAY (a.m.): Wake up for mandatory sports day. This
is a very convenient diet during football season, but it can be successfully
implemented year-round. There is some major professional sport being played
every day of the year except the day before and the day after the Major
League All-Star game (fact-look it up). Consumption on this day should
be paced to cover the entire day-you dont want to peak too soon. Again
you notice a lack of appetite, and are feeling thinner all the time. Dont
forget the aspirin.
MONDAY: Return to work, feeling thinner, well rested,
and surprisingly mellow. Mark your log book, and begin preparation for
the upcoming weekend.
Happy dieting.

After my husband
asked me to help him shed some unwanted pounds, I stopped serving fattening
TV snacks and substituted crisp celery.
While he was unenthusiastically munching on a stalk one night, a commercial
caught his attention. As he watched longingly, a woman spread gooey chocolate
frosting over a freshly baked cake.
When it was over, my husband turned to me. "Did you ever notice,"
he asked, "that they never advertise celery on TV?"

If shop mannequins
were real women, they would be too thin to menstruate.
There are 3 billion women who dont look like supermodels and only 8
who do.
Marilyn Monroe wore a size 12.
If Barbie were a real woman, shed have to walk on all fours due to her
proportions.
The average American woman weighs 144 lbs. and wears between a size 12
and 14.
One out of every 4 college aged women has an eating disorder.
The models in the magazines are airbrushed - they are not perfect!
A psychological study in 1995 found that 3 minutes spent looking at models
in a fashion magazine caused 70% of women to feel depressed, guilty and
shameful.
Twenty years ago models weighed 8% less than the average woman, today
they weigh 23% less.

People are always
on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you
dont get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you dont get enough variation
(the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people
tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days. Well, now theres
the new Toddler Miracle Diet!
Over the years you may have noticed that most two years olds are trim.
Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet.
You may want to consult you doctor before embarking on this diet; otherwise,
you may be seeing him afterwards. Good luck!!!
DAY ONE
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with
grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on
the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, and then smear the jelly over your face
and clothes.
Lunch: Four crayons (any colour), a handful of potato
chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest)
Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips
of flat Pepsi.
Bedtime snack: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen
floor…

DAY TWO
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and
eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable
dye.
Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick
and a handful of Dog Food (any flavour). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack: Lick a lollipop until sticky, take
outside and drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.
Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be
thrust up your left nostril. Pour orange squash over mashed potatoes;
eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one
with fingers, then rub fingers in hair. Glass of milk, drink half, stuff
other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays lollipop from
rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.
Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp
up.
Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of crisps, some red
punch. Try to laugh some punch through nose, if possible.

FINAL DAY
Breakfast: A quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavour),
bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes; add
half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal
to dog.
Lunch: Eat breadcrumbs off kitchen floor and dining
room carpet. Find that lollipop and finish eating it.
Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

Im on a seafood
diet…

…when I see food, I eat it.

This 85 year old
couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest
in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion
which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and
Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much
all this was going to cost.
"Its free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the
home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each
week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses
on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?".
Peters reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with
the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter
replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the
old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "Thats the best part…you can eat as much as you
like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick.This
is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat
and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!
If it werent for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten
years ago!"

Forget Atkins!
Forget South Beach!
The Baghdad Diet is the only plan out there that has real results and
it’s so easy. You only need to spend 6 months in coalition custody
– no kidding that is it!

The Secret – three squares a day and no snacking. Coalition forces
will feed you three well balanced meals a day and they will make sure
that you don’t snack.
Simply Call Coalition Forces at 1-800-BAGHDAD.
Don’t wait to call - youre only robbing yourself of an opportunity
of a life time.

An overweight blonde
consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles
a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty
pounds.
The blonde follows the doctors advice, and, after thirty days, she was
pleased to find that shed indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which
produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however,
she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"