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Calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average
individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

A man returns from
Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately
rushed to the Hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and
the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. Weve had the results back from your tests
and weve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely
contagious!"

"Oh my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do,
doctor?"

"Well were going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pitta
bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but…its the only food we can get
under the door."

Youve seen those
ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of contraptions. Well,
theres no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you have (or can borrow)
a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape now!!! The following
exercises can be done anywhere, anytime.
Inner Thighs: Place the dogs favourite toy between
thighs. Press tighter than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged
- dogs who favour shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You
could be damaged.
Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off
the bed, out of the flowerbed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages,
this exercise is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car
and so on.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 1: Remove your puppy
from unsuitable tight places. If theyre too small for him, theyre certainly
too small for you. Do it anyway!
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 2: Practice not falling
when your dog bounds across the full length of the room, sails through
the air, and slams both front paws into the back of your knees.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 3: (for use with
multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and answer the phone before it
stops ringing.
Balance and Coordination, Exercise 4: (alternate) For
older dogs, attempt to cross a room without tripping over the dog. Get
off your couch without crushing any part of a sleeping elderly dog.
Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw
the Frisbee. Repeat until nauseous.
Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy.
Tug the sock. Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives
up (we all know which comes first).
Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from dogs
locked jaw. This exercise is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat.
Repeat. Repeat. Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be
quick and precise (think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet,
which only offer the minimal exercise benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your
body, hang a circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you
tug back. WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bones and
small dogs. Have you taken your calcium supplement today?
Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason,
there are plenty. Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise. Greyhounds
are inadvisable.
Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmanoeuvre the canine tongue
headed for your ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program.
A dog is never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when
you least expect it.

Youve tried Dr.
Stillmans Quick Weight Loss Diet, the Sardine Diet, the Grapefruit Diet,
and more, but youre still lugging those extra pounds around. Whats a
food lover to do? Good news! Ten new diets have just arrived on the scene.
One of them is bound to do the trick.
1. The Internet Diet. You lose weight because youre
so addicted to being online, you dont eat for days at a time.
2. The Fantasy Diet. You eat a Collard Wrap while fantasizing
youre really eating Death by Chocolate.
3. The Play With Your Food Diet. Youre so busy making
a castle out of your mashed potatoes, you forget to eat them.
4. The Food Chess Diet. You and a friend play chess
using food tidbits as chess pieces. You are only allowed to eat when you
capture your friends players. You lose the game and you lose weight.
5. The Rolling Table Diet. You sit on a chair on wheels,
trying to eat at a table on wheels. The motorized floor under your table
is constantly shifting, so you dont get to eat much, and thus lose weight.
(This is similar to The Seasick Diet, but takes place in your own land-lubbing
home.)
6. The Fishermans Diet. A fisherman holds a pole whose
end is attached to a morsel of food in your mouth. Every time your try
to bite down on the food, the fisherman pulls the food away.
7. The Puffed Food Diet. All your favorite foods are
re-made in the style of puffed wheat or puffed rice. Your Cheese Ravioli
is now mostly air, so you dont gain any weight.
8. The Mock Puffed Food Diet. In this diet, all the
foods you like to eat are made of styrofoam, to resemble the Puffed Food
Diet. Now you cant eat the food at all. (You try to, and spit it out.)
You really lose weight.
9. The Edible Flowers Diet. You are only allowed to
eat edible flowers. You get bored with them and eat nothing, thus lose
weight.
10. The Love Diet. You munch playfully on your sweethearts
hand. You gain no calories; you lose weight. Your sweetheart loses interest
in you because s/he preferred you with love handles.

An elderly couple
were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you
need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked
off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about
all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Q:
What is the difference between a hungry man and a glutton?
A: One longs to eat and the other eats too long.

1. Weigh yourself
fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes
and before breakfast, because its nice to see how much weight youve
lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Dont forget to remove jewellery as it could
weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy
and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound
of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has
weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel
rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing
the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but its worth it. You will
weigh at least two pounds less than if youd stepped onto the scale normally.

The Doctor put
me on a diet of Viagra and Prune juice, but I had to give it up. I never
knew if I was coming or going!

~ Rodney Dangerfield

Mirror, mirror
on the wall

Do you have to tell it all?

Where do you get the glaring right

To make my clothes look just too tight?

I think Im fine but I can see

you wont cooperate with me;

The way you let the shadows play

Youd think my hair was getting gray

Whats that, you say? A double chin?

No, thats the way the light comes in;

If you persist in peering so

Youll confiscate my facial glow,

And then if youre not hanging straight

Youll tell me next Im gaining weight;

Im really quite upset with you

For giving this distorted view;

I hate you being smug and wise -

O, look whats happened to my thighs!

I warn you now, O mirrored wall,

Since were not on speaking terms at all,

If I look like this in my new jeans

Youll find yourself in smithereens!