The Government
has issued new guidelines for a healthy diet. They advise you to:
1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite drinks.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or
little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.
A friend and I
had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer
asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most
tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest
weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything
chocolate. Finally it was my friends turn. Taking a deep breath, she
announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."
A beggar walked
up to a woman who was just about to go into a coffee shop and exclaimed,
"Lady, I havent eaten in a week."
"Wow!" exclaimed the woman, "I wish I had your will power."
1. Slowly begin
to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with
extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible
oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs
from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small
portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars
to insure an optimum toxin level.
2. Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables,
make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned
and preserved in sugar syrup.
3. Give your juice machine away. Drink bottled or canned juices with
vegetable oils. Canned vegetable juice is fine because all the enzymes
have been destroyed through pasteurization.
4. Swallow food whole. Use butter as a lubricant. Deep fried foods will
require less chewing.
5. Eat as much as you possibly can at one sitting. This conditions the
muscles that support the stomach to expand, accommodating an increased
volume of food.
6. Avoid fiber at all cost. If forced to eat whole wheat flour, pick
the bits of bran from the bread. This will allow the food to pass more
slowly through the intestine so the body may absorb optimal toxic chemicals.
7. Do not exercise. Exercise oxygenates the cells and triggers the lymphatic
system that cleans the body. Try to remain in an inactive horizontal position.
8. Snack regularly during the night so as to curb the bodys natural
tendencies to detoxify during sleep.
A cannibal and
his son are going to look for food. They hide behind some bushes and waited
for someone to come by.
After a few minutes, a skinny man comes by. The son says "How about
him, dad?" "No," says the father, "hes too skinny."
A short time later, a fat man wanders by. "What about that guy,
dad?" asks the son. "Too much cholesterol."
A little later, a pretty, 20 year old lady walks by. The son asks, "Dad,
how about her?" The father replies "Yes! Lets take her home
and eat your mother!"
Self delusion is
pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales.
~ Paul Sweeney
Chocolate is derived
from cocoa beans.
Beans = vegetable.
Sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both of them
are plants, in the vegetable category.
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.
To go one step further, chocolate bars also contain milk,
which contains calcium.
So, chocolate bars are a health food.
Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all
count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
Send this to four people and you will lose 2 pounds.
Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew), and you will lose
10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.
Thats why I had to pass this on – - – I didnt want to risk it.
What did the Catholic
Church call its new fat-free, low-calorie communion wafer?
"I cant believe its not Jesus!"
A rather large
gentleman whose name was Paul was married to a woman who was as heavy
as he was, if not more so. They had two children. All their friends quietly
wondered how they had managed to conceive.
One evening at the bar a friend of Pauls got up the nerve to ask him,
how it was possible that he and his wife conceived their children, being
as large as they are.
To this Paul replied:
"You guys with small dicks are always asking me that!"
Have you heard
of the NO-CARB Diet for 2004?
NO C-heney
NO A-shcroft
NO R-umsfeld
NO B-ush
and absolutely NO RICE!