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"Now there
are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight
people are now average. Which means youve met your New Years resolution."

~ Jay Leno

Heres the final
word on nutrition and health. Its a relief to know the truth after all
those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than
the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills
you.

Weve got the
Atkins diet, the South Beach diet and the Jenny Craig diet. Id like to
introduce an even cheaper and more effective diet, the COSTCO diet! Its
cost effective and easy to do even on your busiest shopping day. Heres
how it works.
Start by making a grocery list of 10 or more items and then head to your
local COSTCO or similar warehouse store. When you get there, carefully
tear your list into strips and put all the strips in your pocket. Grab
a shopping cart and youre ready to go!
Pull out the first strip and make your way all the way across the store
to that item. As you trek through the store, you will see vendors giving
out free food samples. As you pass the third one, take a sample of what
ever they are selling. Repeat with each strip of paper until you have
finished your shopping. By the time you are finished, you will have eaten
5 to 10 samples and will have walked at least 5 miles.
There are several important points to remember;
1) There is a law of nature that says, "Whatever you look for in
COSTCO will be on the opposite side of the warehouse." This ensures
that you will walk far enough to satisfy the American Heart Associations
exercise requirement.
2) Do not skip the melba-toast with cream cheese sample in order to get
the Ben and Jerrys ice cream sample. Its the randomness of the food
selection that guarantees a balanced diet.
3) Do not double dip. Getting two samples from the same vendor at the
same time is NOT acceptable. We know you wont get two samples of fried
squid to make up for it, so dont kid yourself when you grab that second
cup of ice cream.
If you dont have paper to write your shopping list on, you can get a
similarly random list by calling your spouse. "Hi! Im at Costco,
want anything?" will almost always result in half a dozen things
that you just have to buy. Dont forget to pick up a 10 pack of writing
tablets on aisle 10.

The Government
has issued new guidelines for a healthy diet. They advise you to:
1. List your ten favourite foods.
2. List your five favourite drinks.
3. List all green vegetables that look like marsh grass, fur balls, or
little trees.
4. List water.
5. Avoid 1 & 2; eat only 3; drink only 4.

A friend and I
had joined a Weight Watchers group. At the first meeting the lecturer
asked members which food or department at the supermarket was the most
tempting to them. One man confessed that Chinese egg rolls were his greatest
weakness, and a woman said she found it almost impossible to resist anything
chocolate. Finally it was my friends turn. Taking a deep breath, she
announced, "Aisles two, three, four and five."

A beggar walked
up to a woman who was just about to go into a coffee shop and exclaimed,
"Lady, I havent eaten in a week."
"Wow!" exclaimed the woman, "I wish I had your will power."

1. Slowly begin
to reintroduce harmful foods. Suggestions are potato chips, pizza with
extra cheese, white bread, milk, coffee or coke, milk shakes from edible
oil products, fried chicken, french fries deep fried in beef fat, eggs
from chemically-raised chickens, steak with barbecue sauce and a small
portion of overcooked vegetables. Throw in a couple of chocolate bars
to insure an optimum toxin level.
2. Eat very few raw fruits and vegetables. If you must eat vegetables,
make sure the life has been cooked out of them. The best fruits are canned
and preserved in sugar syrup.
3. Give your juice machine away. Drink bottled or canned juices with
vegetable oils. Canned vegetable juice is fine because all the enzymes
have been destroyed through pasteurization.
4. Swallow food whole. Use butter as a lubricant. Deep fried foods will
require less chewing.
5. Eat as much as you possibly can at one sitting. This conditions the
muscles that support the stomach to expand, accommodating an increased
volume of food.
6. Avoid fiber at all cost. If forced to eat whole wheat flour, pick
the bits of bran from the bread. This will allow the food to pass more
slowly through the intestine so the body may absorb optimal toxic chemicals.
7. Do not exercise. Exercise oxygenates the cells and triggers the lymphatic
system that cleans the body. Try to remain in an inactive horizontal position.
8. Snack regularly during the night so as to curb the bodys natural
tendencies to detoxify during sleep.

A cannibal and
his son are going to look for food. They hide behind some bushes and waited
for someone to come by.
After a few minutes, a skinny man comes by. The son says "How about
him, dad?" "No," says the father, "hes too skinny."
A short time later, a fat man wanders by. "What about that guy,
dad?" asks the son. "Too much cholesterol."
A little later, a pretty, 20 year old lady walks by. The son asks, "Dad,
how about her?" The father replies "Yes! Lets take her home
and eat your mother!"

Self delusion is
pulling in your stomach when you step on the scales.

~ Paul Sweeney