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The second day
of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day youre off
it.

~ Jackie Gleason

A great way to
lose weight is to eat while you are naked and standing in front of a mirror.
Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Monday:
Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow some toothpaste
while brushing your teeth.
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers", those
little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but now cost sixty five cents.
Also order French fries, a bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop
on the way back for a family size bottle of Maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the Maalox.
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken three-piece Dinner,
dont eat the coleslaw.

Tuesday:
Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw.
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety five cents in
and close your eyes, push a button and eat whatever comes out swallowing
it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flashos.

Wednesday:
Breakfast - Jaws couldnt eat Breakfast after a night at El Flashos.

Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for scraps.

Thursday:
Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber sack for
leftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get hungry ask
the bartender for olives.

Friday:
Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds. Eat the
Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better and its better for
you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch… Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Dont eat the
asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.

Saturday:
Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts. Dont eat
the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them in a hanging basket.

Sunday
Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about renting
your old room.

Now I lay me down
to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake,

I pray the Lord my fat to take,

And leave behind a skinny shell,

And all my fat can go to hell!

An overweight business
associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took
his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite
bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic chocolate
cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I
accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window
was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, Lord,
if you want me to have one of those delicious chocolate cakes, let me
have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,"
he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

1. When you swallow
a diet coke you only get 1 calorie.

2. It comes in a can, not in your mouth.

3. You can ignore a diet coke for weeks and it will still be there when
you want it.

4. The first one wont get mad if you need another one tonight.

5. A diet coke generally lasts longer.

6. You can throw it in the bin when youre done.

7. A diet coke will treat you the same in the morning as the night before.

8. You can pick one up at a supermarket without your friends talking about
you.

9. You can do one in the car even while driving.

10. The aftertaste is certainly better.

11. You can get a bigger size without changing brands.

12. You never have to lie to a diet coke.

13. A diet soda will wait home patiently when you go out with friends
and still refresh you when you get home at 6AM.

14. You can have a headache and still enjoy it.

Can it be a mistake
that "STRESSED" is "DESSERTS" spelled backwards ?

Cookies and milk
out; eggs, beef, chicken, cheese in
North Pole Santa Claus announced today in his annual pre-holiday press
conference that he has begun the popular Atkins diet, and is asking for
help from families around the globe. Atkins dieters are allowed to consume
large amounts of high-fat foods such as eggs, beef, and cheese. Carbohydrates,
which are found in pasta, breads, and fruits, and sweets, are not allowed.
Mr. Claus said that he decided to start the diet after he could not fit
into the trousers he wore to deliver gifts last year.
"I couldnt bring myself to buy new trousers, and I havent had
a good body image lately. I had to do something, and quick", said
Claus. "Having a belly like a bowl full of jelly is one thing, but
being a complete fat ass is another. I mean, even my jolly little toe
has fat on it." According to inside sources, Mrs. Claus may have
also played a part in his decision to lose weight.
An elf, who wished to remain anonymous, said that Mrs. Claus "is
getting more and more involved" with day-to-day operations, especially
as Christmas nears. "She pretty much runs the toy factory, and she
is making all the elves work a lot of overtime. Plus, she made us all
sign waivers saying we wouldnt sue if we got injured on the job. Now,
Santa suddenly goes on the Atkins diet? I guarantee that is her doing.
Shes a real pain in the ass. Weve all started calling her Yoko".
Santa says that his goal is to lose twenty pounds before he delivers
gifts on Christmas Eve, leaving him plump, but not grossly obese. And,
says Claus, he needs everyones help to stick to his diet.
"I am asking the families of the world to leave snacks for me that
are low in carbohydrates. Unfortunately, this means that the traditional
snack of cookies and milk is not acceptable. Good alternatives are scrambled
eggs, cheese, beef, or chicken."
Experts agree that a thinner Claus may be a healthier Claus, but think
that the new snack requests may spoil some of the fun and tradition of
Christmas.
"I think its great that Santa wants to lose a few pounds",
says holiday expert Michelle Bosler. "But a great Christmas traditions
is being altered. Leaving cookies and milk for Santa Claus dates back
hundreds of years. I dont think families will enjoy scrambling eggs or
broiling a T-bone for Santa quite as much. And these low carbohydrate
snacks are much more expensive than a couple of store bought cookies."
Despite the criticism, Claus vows to stick to his Atkins diet. "Im
going to do this. Ive tried other diets, and I just cant stick to them.
I mean, have you ever had a SlimFast shake? Tastes like liquefied wood."
North Pole spokesperson Sandy Ashton said that if families are uncomfortable
leaving eggs or meat as a snack, they could opt to leave no snack at all.
"Wed rather Santa not have a snack than eat foods that are high
in carbohydrates. For families who dont wish to leave a low-carb snack,
we ask that they leave a note of encouragement for Santa, or some bourbon,
which is a low-carbohydrate beverage. Dieting is difficult, and he needs
support if he is going to succeed."

The doctor told
me "Physical exercise is good for you." I know that I should
do it, but my body is out of shape, so I have worked out this easy daily
program I can do anywhere:
Monday:

Beat around the bush.

Jump to conclusions.

Climb the walls.

Wade through paperwork.
Tuesday:

Drag my heels.

Push my luck.

Make mountains out of mole hills.

Hit the nail on the head.
Wednesday:

Bend over backwards.

Jump on the band wagon.

Balance the books.

Run around in circles.
Thursday:

Toot my own horn.

Climb the ladder of success.

Pull out the stops.

Add fuel to the fire.
Friday:

Open a can of worms.

Put my foot in my mouth.

Start the ball rolling.

Go over the edge.
Saturday:

Pick up the pieces.
Whew! What a workout!