Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question.
Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a program?

UNIX consultant: Yes, thats correct.

Customer: No, what is it?

UNIX consultant: Yes.

Customer: So, which is the one?

UNIX consultant: No. which is used to find the program.

Customer: Stop this. Who are you?

UNIX consultant: Use who am i not who r yoo. You can also finger yoo to get information about yoo.

Customer: All I want to know is what finds the revision code.

UNIX consultant: Use what.

Customer: Thats what I am trying to find out. Isnt that true?

UNIX consultant: No. true gives you 0.

Customer: Which one?

UNIX consultant: true gives you 0. which programname.

Customer: Lets get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consultant: Type find / -name it -print to find it. Type what program to get the revision code.

Customer: I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consultant: You cant find revisioncode, you must use what program.

Customer: Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consultant: No. which command will find command.

Customer: I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consultant: You can write that only if that is a user on your system.

Customer: Write what?

UNIX consultant: No. write that. what program.

Customer: Cut that out!

UNIX consultant: Yes, those are valid files for cut. Dont forget the options.

Customer: Do you always do this?

UNIX consultant: du will give you disk usage.

Customer: HELP!

UNIX consultant: help is only used for Source Code Control System.

Customer: You make me angry.

UNIX consultant: No, I dont make me angry, but I did make programname when I was upset once.

Customer: I dont want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consultant: No more? which will help you find more. Every system has more.

Customer: Nice help! Im confused more now!

UNIX consultant: Understand that since help is such a small program, it is better not to nice help. And more now is not allowed but at now is. Unless, of course, now is a file name.

Customer: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consultant: I didnt know you needed help with pc. Let me get you to the Pascal compiler team…

Surprise Settlement Evenly Splits Microsoft; One Firm To Make Software, Other To Make Patches

Decision Keeps Redmond from Monopolizing Massive Microsoft Patch Industry

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) — In a surprise settlement today with nine U.S. states, Microsoft agreed to be split into two independent companies — one that will continue to make Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software, and another, potentially larger company that will make patches for Microsoft operating systems, browsers, and server software.

Critics immediately charged that the settlement — which overrides a previous agreement with the U.S. Department of Justice — does nothing to diminish Microsofts standing as the worlds most powerful software company. But industry analysts argued that providing patches for security holes in Microsoft programs is a major, untapped growth industry, and applauded the states for not allowing Redmond to control it.

Just consider, Microsoft can make an operating system, such as Windows XP, and sell 200 million copies, but each one of those copies is going to need at least five patches to fix security holes, so thats 1 billion patches, said Gartner Group analyst Mitch Fershing. That is an enormous, undeveloped market.

Microsoft employees seem to agree, as sources in Redmond described a mad scramble among staffers to position themselves for spots at the new company, called Patchsoft. Asked why people would want to leave Microsoft for a startup, the source said the answer was really quite simple.

Everyone here is asking themselves, Do I want to be part of the problem, or part of the solution? he said.

But J.P. Morgan analyst Sherill Walk suspects another motive. Considering the sheer number of patches were talking about, I think the new company will become another monopoly, and I believe the people whove jumped ship very well know that.

Nonsense. Its really all about consumer choice, responded Patchsofts new co-CEOs, Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer.

But how will Patchsoft make money? Currently, Microsoft issues free patches for problems in Windows XP, SQL Server, Internet Explorer, Outlook, Windows 2000, Flight Simulator, Front Page, Windows Me, Media Player, Passport, NT Server, Windows 98, LAN Manager (for a complete list of MS software needing patches, see www.support.microsoft.com). Under the agreement, Microsoft will no longer issue patches, which Gates said explains the recent five-day outage at Microsofts upgrade site. That was planned, he said. It was a test of the Microsoft No Patch Access system. Went perfectly. No one was able to download anything.

At a press conference to outline the settlement, Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal pledged to keep a close eye on Patchsoft to ensure it would not overcharge for its services. He also expressed hope that other firms would soon become Certified Microsoft Patch Developers (CMPDs) and challenge the spin-off. Asked if Patchsoft, with so many former Microsoft employees, will have an advantage over potential competitors in the Microsoft patch market, Blumenthal said the settlement prohibits collaboration.

Patchsoft developers will not have any foreknowledge of bugs or security holes before software is released. Theyll just have to be surprised, he said.

So it will be just like it was when they were at Microsoft, he added.

One Reuters reporter, meanwhile, questioned the long-term viability of Patchsoft. This seems like a logical split right now, but what if Microsofts products improve to the extent that patches are needed less frequently, or perhaps not at all? she asked.

Im sorry, I can only respond to serious questions, Blumenthal answered.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire.

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. My husband, said the first, is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love.

Mine is a jeweler, the second said. he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love.

The third woman paused … Well, she finally said, my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great its going to be when I get it.

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your
dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: <mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat//> Then enter: <ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme>.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter <ms.nodamn.good/tryagain/again/again.crap>. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit
in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging or the warranty is invalidated.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that
version has yet to be released.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug, as your freezer should be defrosted periodically anyway.

Apparently a computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 . When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.

ADDICTED INTERNET JUNKIE!!!!

1. A friend stops to see you since your phone has been busy—–for a year!!!!!

2. You forgot how to work the TV remote control.

3. You see something funny and scream, LOL, LOL.

4. You tell everyone, that after surgery, your mom went to ICQ ……instead of ICU!

5. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

6. You placed the refrigerator beside your computer…or put it in the bathroom.

7. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have ICQ in your car.

8. Tech support calls YOU for help.

9. You beg your friends to get an account so you can hang out.

10. You get a second phone line just to call out for pizza.

11. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

12. You say he he he he or heh heh heh instead of laughing.

13. You say SCROLL UP when someone asks what it was you said.

14. You find out divorce papers had been served on you 6 months ago.

15. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

16. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

17. You start to experience withdrawal after not being online for awhile.

18. You say…….Where did the time go??

19. You sit on ICQ for 6 hours for that certain special person to sign on.

20. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

21. You end your sentences with…..three or more periods…….

22. You need to be pried from your computer by the jaws-of-life.

23. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like this…. BRB. Leave your S/N and Ill TTYL…ASAP.

24. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ****kisses*****.

25. Being called a newbie is a major insult to you.

26. Youre on the phone and say BRB.

27. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood-shot eyes.

28. You get up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and turn the computer on instead.

Note to the profoundly impaired: this list is intended as humor, and consists mostly of things that you should NOT do. NOT NOT NOT do. Once more, slowly, dont do these things. If you do, youre a bad, naughty person. Bad person! Naughty! Naughty, *bad* person! Ok, now that *thats* out of the way, without further ado…

Post a message asking how to post messages.
Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of Geek Code, 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as *** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***
Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune for a poll.
Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the two-strings-go-in-a-bar joke.
Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesnt yet have its own sex group.
Post your new War Heroes of India FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
Start this weeks new AOL virus rumor.
Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new HOOTERAMA phone sex service or PorqWhiffe pheramone cologne.
Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few MAKE MONEY FAST posts.
Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates VISA card number.
Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word imbecile in your followup flames.
Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for really cool nudie pics.
Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you dont read the group.
Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as SoHot4U, SokSnifer, or WetNWild.
Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as monkey boy.
Inform the readers of the sex groups that theyre going straight to hell, and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncles ex-girlfriends boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
Claim that you can see hidden images in another persons posting when you cross your eyes.
Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
Accuse female posters of being male.
Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a newbie because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is judgemental.
If youve grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
Insist that theres no such state in the U.S. as New Mexico.
Post only in Esperanto.
Claim a copyright on the word Usenet, and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
Sell posting permits in news.announce.newusers.
Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, Death Monkeys.
Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as Robert Bradley Smith, Jr.
In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
List a cute organization name in your header, such as Canadians for Global Warming.
Insult a poster from another nation based on his countrys performance in World War II.
Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line BZZZT! Wrong answer! or Hello! McFly!
Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
Post to soc.culture.women asking whats your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?
Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article.
Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
Make it clear from your postings that youve a profound inability to distinguish The X Files as fiction.
Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage in the name of freedom.
Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
POST IN ALL CAPS
omit all punctuation
omitallspaces
DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegels book.
Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the Classified ATF Secret Hotline.
Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic AOL users suck.
Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it dply offnsiv.
Post to rec.music.misc insisting that Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since theyll never tour again.
Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
Followup another persons posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of obsessing.
Followup two dozen of another persons posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if youre ignored.
Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named Bluto or Brutus.

October 14, 1947 – Pilot Chuck Yeager flew the Bell X One rocket plane and became the first person to break the sound barrier.

BREAKING THE SOUND BARIER?

The New York Times reports that Nathan P. Myhrvold, Microsofts chief technology officer, working with a paleontologist, has developed a computer model that provides evidence that some dinosaurs may have been able to use their tails like bull whips, creating a cannon-like sonic boom by exceeding the speed of sound with the last few inches of the tail. Thus, dinosaurs, and not Chuck Yeager, may have been the first life forms on the planet to break the sound barrier.

It struck me as somehow appropriate that Microsofts CTO would concern himself with how to make a dinosaur go so fast.

Sandy (AKA Ms Sam)

Chuckles Of Choice Web Site

http://www.chucklesofchoice.com/

July 18
I just tried to connect to America online, which Ive heard is the best online service I can get. I cant connect, I dont know what is wrong.

July 19
Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?

July 20
I bought the modem, I couldnt figure out where it goes though, it wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.

July 21
I finally got the modem in and hooked up. A three year old next door did it for me.

July 22
The three year old kid next door hooked me up to America online for me. Hes so smart.

July 23
What the heck is the internet? I thought I was on America Online, not this internet thingy. Im confused.

July 24
The three year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. He must be a genius at least compared to me.

July 25
I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. Maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 26
I found this thingy called Usenet. I got out of it because Im connected to America Online, not Usenet. I went to the doctor today for my regular checkup. He says that since I connected, My brain has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

July 27
These people in this Usenet thingy keep using capital letters. How do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

July 28
I found this thingy called the Usenet oracle. It says that it can answer any questions I ask it. I asked it 44 separate questions about the internet. I hope it responds soon.

July 29
I found a group called rec.humor. I decided to post this joke about why the chicken crossed the road. To get to the other side! ha ha! I wasnt sure if i posted it right so I posted it 56 more times.

July 30
I keep hearing about the World Wide Web. I didnt know spiders grew that large.

July 31
The oracle responded to my questions today. Geez, it was rude. I was so angry that I posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d. I wasnt sure if it posted right so I posted it 22 more times.

August 1
Someone told me to read the FAQ. Geez, they didnt have to use profanity.

August 2
I just read this post called make money fast. Im so exited, Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup i could find.

August 3
I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long, So I will have to work on it some more.

August 4
I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the Earth. I wonder what an aol is, however.

August 5
I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked, but I cant find that group.

August 6
Some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. I told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so dumb.

Microsoft Corporation today announced its intent to purchase, copyright, and upgrade God.

The new product is to be named Microsoft God, and will be available to consumers sometime in late 1998.

Too many people feel separated from God in todays world, said Dave McCavaugh, director of Microsofts new Religions division. Microsoft God will make our Lord more accessible, and will add an easy, intuitive user interface to Him, making Him not only easier to find, but easier to communicate with.

The new Microsoft Religions line will be expanded to include a multitude of add-on products to Microsoft God, including:

Microsoft Crusades: This conversion product will bring all worshipper accounts and prayer files over from previous versions of God, or from competing products like Buddha or Allah.

Microsoft God for the World Wide Web: This product ties Microsoft God with Microsoft Internet Information Server, making our Lord accessible from the World Wide Web using a standard Web browser interface. It introduces several new Web technologies, including Dynamic Salvation and Active Prayer Pages (APP). Donations for the poor can be donated via a Secure Alms Server.

Microsoft Prayers: Using a Windows 95-based interface, this product will allow worshippers to construct effective prayers in a minimum of time. A Secure Prayer Channel technology will guarantee delivery of the prayer to Microsoft God servers, and Prayer Wizards enable users to construct new types of prayers with a minimum learning curve.

Microsoft Savior: This product will allow worshippers to transfer their sins to its internal Vice Database. After a preset interval, the product will erase itself from the users system and establish a clear line of secure communications to the users Microsoft God server.

Additionally, Microsoft is expected to announce a line of complimentary products for the new Religions line, which will enhance the functionality of the Microsoft God server product by providing a customized user interface. These interfaces will be based on popular religious sects, allowing worshippers to interact with the new God product in much the same way as the previous version.

This line is expected to include Microsoft Christianity, Microsoft Catholicism, Microsoft Judaism (incompatible with Microsoft Savior), etc.