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Senate Demands End to Browser Development

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP, Sept. 2, 2002) - Senate Majority Leader Ray
Noorda (P-Utah) today demanded that the Department of Justice order
Microsoft and Netscape to cease development of new Internet browsers,
saying the ever-escalating battle for Internet dominance had sapped the
American economy of its vitality.
In an impassioned speech before the Perotista-controlled Senate, Noorda -
once a key figure in the information technology industry - claimed
American workers and shoppers are so consumed with downloading new
browser versions, Netscape plug-ins and Microsoft ActiveX Controls that they no
longer have time to produce anything of value or to consume products. We
have been transformed from a nation of thinkers and doers to a nation of
downloaders worried about whether we are keeping up with the
technological Joneses, Noorda said.
Noordas comments came only a day after Netscape released Version 407 of
its Navigator browser, which includes the ability to listen to AM radio
from any laptop. Version 407 had just completed its 37-hour beta trial,
while versions 408-441 are in development. (Microsoft, which has been
criticized of late for slipping behind Netscape in the browser race,
vowed to deliver Version 405 of its Internet Explorer before the next
major religious holiday, though company spokesman Jim Manzi de-clined
to specify which religion the company was referring to.) Mark Gibbs,
author of IDG Books bestselling Deleting Old Browsers for Dummies, said
the continuing instability in the Internet market has virtually halted
development of new applications. How can you build to a platform that
only lasts 51 days? asked Gibbs. The only apps being developed now
are crossword puzzles and 3-D, rotatable crossword applets.
According to research firm International Data Corp., the average PC user
now has 62 browsers installed. That has significantly limited the
usefulness of the desktop machine because each browser/operating
system/object bucket/API repository consumes a minimum of 1G bytes of
storage and requires 256M bytes of RAM to operate (somewhat less if the
touchscreen option is disabled). Intel Corp. recommends the use of at
least a 757-MHz Decadium processor to support current browsers.
There is no capacity left to run any other application, said IDC Chief
Executive Officer Bob Frankenberg. Our PCs, in essence, are simply
containers for browsers.
In the late 1990s, it was hoped that the browser model of accessing
information would actually allow for the development of simpler, less-
expensive desktop devices that would rely on applications and data housed
on Internet servers. But the dream of the so-called Internet device died
with the release of Internet Explorer Version 231, which cracked the
800M- byte storage requirement and supported some 250,000 ActiveX
Controls.
Its a shame, really, said former Oracle CEO Lawrence Ellison, who was
a vocal proponent of the Internet device idea at the time. We could have
been freed from the Web of Microsoft control, no pun intended. But Bill
outmanuevered us again, added Big Larry Ellison, who now runs
the Used Cars R Us operation on the Auto Mile in Redwood City, Calif.
In response to Noordas call for federal intervention, the Justice
Department issued an electronic press release available on its Web site
(www.bookem.com). We firmly believe the free market is the best arbiter
of whether development should continue on Web browsers and servers.
(This statement best viewed with Internet Explorer Version 396.)

Contraceptive98

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive98, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex.

Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage in penetrating the copulation enhancement market.

The product addresses two important user concerns: the need for virus protection and the need for a firewall to ensure the non-propagation of human beings.

The Contraceptive98 suite consists of three products: Condom98, DeFetus 1.0 (from Sementec), and AIDScan 2.1 (from Norton Utilities).

A free copy of Intercourse Explorer 4.0 is bundled in the package. The suite also comes in two expanded versions. Contraceptive98 Professional is the Client/Server edition, for professionals in the sexual services sector. Contraceptive98 Small Business Edition is a package for start-ups, aimed at the housewife and gigolo niches.

While Contraceptive98 does not address non-traditional copulatory channels, future plug-ins are planned for next year. They will be known as BackDoor, AuraLee, TitElation, and JerkOff.

OPERATION

Only one node in a peer-to-peer connection needs to install the package. At installation, the Condom98 software checks for minimum hardware. If the user meets the requirements, the product installs and is sufficiently scaleable to meet most requirements. After installation, operation commences. One caution is that the user must have sufficient RAM to complete the session. When the session is complete, a disconnect is initiated, and the user gets the message, It is now safe to turn off your partner.

DRAWBACKS

Usability testers report that frequent failures were a major concern during beta testing. General Protection Fault was the most serious error encountered. Early versions had numerous bugs, but most of these have been eliminated. The product needs to be installed each time its used.

CONCLUSION

Contraceptive98 is a robust product. Despite its drawbacks, it is a reasonably good value for its $49.95 price tag, and is far superior to its shareware version. Hopefully, future releases (of the software, that is) will add missing functionality, such as Backout and Restore, Uninterruptible Power Supply, and Onboard Camera.

Microsoft CEO Bill Gates is optimistic about Contraceptive98s potential. He recently said, Our contraceptive products will help users do to each other what weve been doing to our customers for years.

Clinton Speaks Out

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Clinton met with members of the newsmedia in an attempt to clear up misunderstandings involving dealings between Microsoft of Redmond, Washington and the U.S. Goverment.

Mr. Clinton not only denied taking any military action against Microsoft or Bill Gates, he also stated that there were never any negotiations regarding the acquisition of the United States by Microsoft, Inc.

In fact Clinton said, we have entered into a strategic alliance with Microsoft that promises to end the enmity between our two nations (President Clinton has apparently mistaken Microsoft for an independent country), and to bring about a new spirit of cooperation that will benefit those we have used, er, our users, or uh, rather, our citizens… well you know what I mean.

Mr. Gates joined the president on stage by means of a satellite hookup, with his image being projected on a large screen over Clintons left shoulder, while the president talked to him on a cellular phone. Thanks, Bill said Clinton, youve just help make the world a better place. For his part, Gates would makes faces and mock the president but would stop just before the president turned to look at the screen in response to audience reaction.

Details of the agreement have not been completely worked out, but it appears that Microsoft will be making a $150 million donation to the Democratic party and has promised that Microsoft Office will continue to be compatible with YK2-susceptible U.S. government computers well into the 21st century (Thats the next one coming up, right?… Right? Clinton was heard to inquire.).

Microsoft will be granted a deluxe weekend stay, including continental breakfast and souvenir pen, in the Lincoln Bedroom and one Get out of jail free card.

Reactions of the assembled reporters and analysts was mixed.

The Last Holdout

(This wasnt written by me or about me. But it might as well have been.)

There was a knock on the door. It was the man from Microsoft. Not you again, I said.

Sorry, he said, a little sheepishly. I guess you know why Im here.

Indeed I did. Microsofts $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadnt. I was the Last Human Being Without Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldnt take no for an answer.

No, I said.

You know I cant take that, he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a briefcase. Come on. Just one copy. Thats all we ask.

Not interested, I said. Look, isnt there someone else you can go bother for a while? Theres got to be someone else on the planet who doesnt have a copy.

Well, no, the Microsoft man said. Youre the only one.

You cant be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer, I said. And certainly, not everyone has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear thats just a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no USE for Windows 95.

The Microsoft man look perplexed. Im missing your point, he said.

Use! I screamed. Use! Use! Use! Why BUY it, if you cant USE it?

Well, I dont know anything about this use thing youre going on about, the Microsoft man said. All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the planet has a copy.

People without computers?

Got em.

Amazonian Indians?

We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes.

The Amish?

Check.

Oh, come on, I said. They dont even wear BUTTONS. How did you get them to buy a computer operating system?

We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box, the Microsoft man admitted. We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every single employee of Microsoft. He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up. But thats not the point! he said. The point is, EVERYONE has a copy. Except you.

So what? I said. If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect me to do it, too?

If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely.

No.

Oh, back to that again, the Microsoft man said. Hey. Ill tell you what. Ill GIVE you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer. He waved the box in front of me.

No, I said again. No offense, pal, but I dont NEED it. And frankly, your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, its a computer operating system. Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world peace or something.

It did.

Pardon?

World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple.

So what happened?

Well, you know, he said. It took up a lot of space on the hard drive. We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldnt figure out how to make a profit off of world peace.

Go away, I said.

I cant, he said. Ill be killed if I fail.

You have got to be kidding, I said.

Look, the Microsoft man said, We sold this to the Amish. The Amish! Right now, theyre opening the boxes and figuring out theyve been had. Well be pitchforked if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out, well, its embarassing. Its embarassing to the company. Its embarassing to the product. Its embarassing to Bill.

Bill Gates does not care about me, I said.

Hes watching right now, the Microsoft man said. Borrowed one of those military spy satellites just for the purpose. Its also got one of those high-powered lasers. You close that door on me, zap, Im a pile of grey ash.

He wouldnt do that, I said. He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by accident.

Oh, Bills gotten pretty good with that laser, the Microsoft man said nervously. Okay. I wasnt supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, well give you your own Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?

Terrible. Theres an active volcano there.

Its only a small one, the Microsoft man said.

Look, I said, even if you DID convince me to take that copy of Windows 95, what would you do then? Youd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

Windows 95… For Pets?!?!?

Theres a LOT of domestic animals out there, he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then nothing.

Windows TP - the telepathic operating system (part 5)

Major bug with VB-TP during compilation

REDMOND, WA (APR. 30) BUSINESS WIRE - Microsoft Corp. announced today that if you thought about the program at all before creating the EXE file, it would fail.

Instead you need to carefully think of only the file name and the concept of compilation in order to get it to compile correctly. It seems that the design mode environment does not clean up after all the stray thoughts.

MS technical support is recommending taking a cold shower during file compilation in order to remain distracted enough for it to work correctly. As an interim bug fix, all VB packages are currently being shipped with a towel.

Reports of users getting severe migraines when double-clicking too often with the MindMouse are unconfirmed. As an interim bug fix, all MindMouse double-clicks should be performed with Metallica playing in the background.

Aluminum foil around the head seems to work, but it doesnt look too attractive. It also adds a whole new meaning to Metallica; but prevents the low-level radiation from the users Walkman from interfering with the synapse-Windows interface.

Originally from Dave Coble
Read also:
Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5

Top 10 unpublicized features of Chicago (Windows 4.0)

From: Gary Guibor on GEnie

Files can still vote for Mayor Daley even after theyve been deleted
Marketing tie-in: new Kibbles & 32-bits dog food
New, more-realistic Microsoft Flight Simulator loses your luggage
System events accompanied by audio clip of Super Fans saying da Bearssssss…
(DELETED PENDING OUTCOME OF STACKER LAWSUIT)
Automatically taps into bank computers and gives Bill Gates the *rest* of your money
For an additional $2.95 per minute, tech support operators will talk dirty
Authentic-looking spilled coffee on desktop
In order to start Lotus 1-2-3, user must be sitting in lotus position
And the number one unpublicized feature of Chicago…
Strip solitaire

Microsoft error messages in haiku

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with their own Japanese Haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables, five syllables in the first line, seven in the second, five in the third …

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek

Can not be located but

Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Aborted effort:

Close all that you have worked on.

You ask far too much.

Windows NT crashed.

I am the Blue Screen of Death.

No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.

Today it is not working.

Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

So beautifully.

With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence:

My Novel not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao until

You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.

Of little worth is your ire.

The network is down.

A crash reduces

Your expensive computer

To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:

Death, taxes, and lost data.

Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,

But the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

Having been erased,

The document youre seeking

Must now be retyped.

Serious error.

All shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

How many Microsoft…

Q: How many Microsoft programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: One, but itll probably take him 12 versions to get it right.

Error codes in Windows

WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger
WinErr 002: No Error - Yet
WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused
WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive
WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened
WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB
WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More!
WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside
WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside
WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside
WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside
WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ?
WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one.
WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software.
WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that.
WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers.
WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost.
WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded.
WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure.
WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available.
WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

Microsoft Keyboards

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsofts new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:



1) GPF key–This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.



2) $$ key–When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.



3) ZD key–This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows

within the file being edited.



4) MS key–This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled Computing for Mindless Drones in a 1 x 1 window.



5) FUD key–Self explanatory.



6) Chicago key–Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.



7) IBM key–Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them.