Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Mac users dont screw, they just click the genital icon.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on

Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youd have to reinstall the engine

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats

MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads

The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light

Now seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

Youd press the start button to shut off the engine

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.

Once upon a time, a man decided to vacation on a cruise ship
in the Caribbean. It was wonderful–the experience of his
life! He was waited upon hand and foot. But, alas, it did
not last. A hurricane came up suddenly and the ship went
down. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the
shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be
seen. No person, no supplies, nothing.

The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts,
but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea
mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and
looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around
the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen . . . or at least, within the
past four months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond
hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention), and she rowed her
boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, Where did you come from? How did
you get here?

She said, I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed on this island when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he said, I didnt know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat?

You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with
you.

It is only me, she said, and the rowboat didnt wash up,
nothing else did.

Well then, said the man, how did you get the rowboat?

I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum
tree branches, and I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and
the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.

But, but…, stuttered the man, what about tools and
hardware, how did you do that?

Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of
the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used
that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that, she said, where do you live? At
last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping
on the beach. Well, lets row over to my place, she said.

So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a
beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and
around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. Its not much, she said, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?

No thanks, said the man, one more coconut juice and I
will puke.

It wont be coconut juice, the woman replied. I have a
still; how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued
amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories,
the woman asked, Tell me, have you always had a beard?

No, the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life,
even on the cruise ship.

Well if you would like to shave, theres a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom. The man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, with two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down
stairs.

You look great, said the woman, I think Ill go up and
slip into something more comfortable. The man settled in to
wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves
and smelling faintly of gardenia.

Tell me something, she said, We have both been out here
for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I
mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you
really miss? Something that all men and woman need?

Something that it would be really nice to have right now?

Yes there is, the man replied, moving closer to the woman
while fixing her with a long, intense gaze.

Tell me… Do you happen to have an internet connection?

If Microsoft ran Christmas…
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldnt have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldnt work with their hooks.

Windows2000 Chicken: Will cross the road in June. No, August. September for sure. OS/2 Chicken: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so quiet that nobody noticed.Windows ME Chicken: You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like … chicken. Microsoft Chicken (TM): Its already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road. Microsoft Chicken (TM): After noticing that it is the only chicken to successfully cross the road, the US DOJ declares then the Microsoft Chicken (TM) is a 900 pound gorilla, not a chicken, and wants to divide it into several smaller gorillas and place them in the middle of the road hoping traffic will run them down… Netscape Chicken: Stands in the middle of the road loudly squawking about how the Microsoft Chicken is keeping it from crossing the road. Apple Macintosh Chicken: Crossed the road long ago and still claims to be the first chicken that we could actually see cross the road. BASIC Chicken - has crossed the road many more times than any of the other chickens - and constantly complains about how…in my day we didnt have 21 SVGA or 17 Flat panel monitors, we had crappy black and white TV sets AND WE LIKED IT!…in my day we expressed RAM in BYTES, we thought megabyte was something you did when you were hungry.. Pascal Chicken - After all these years, still faithfully helping the farm kids get enough confidence to hold hands with a C Chicken and cross the road. OOP Chicken: It doesnt need to cross the road, it just sends a message. Assembler Chicken: First it builds the road … C Chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways C++ Chicken: The chicken wouldnt have to cross the road, youd simply refer to him on the other side. VB Chicken: nzHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken) Delphi Chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side. Java Chicken: If your road needs

——————————————————————————–These are actual calls to technical support help desks… (Some of you may find this funny while others could possibly use this section as a reference)A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under Windows. The woman then responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine.
——————————————————————————–Tech Support: How much free space do you have on your hard drive? Customer: Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?
——————————————————————————–Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: Id like a mouse mat, please. Salesperson: Certainly sir, weve got a large variety. Customer: But will they be compatible with my computer?
——————————————————————————–I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.
——————————————————————————–Customer: Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?
——————————————————————————–I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this: Customer: Hi. Is this the Internet?
——————————————————————————–Some people pay for their on-line services with checks made payable to The Internet.
——————————————————————————–Customer: So th

386: No, 486: Oops, Pentium: The only chip to consider if youre thinking of
buying a PC. Until Intel ramps up the 686.

640K: The salary the average Wall Street PC analyst pulls in each year.

Algorithm: A catchy 1930 song by George and Ira Gershwin.

Availability: Date when a dozen copies of the beta version will be hurriedly
shrink-wrapped for the benefit of the press and the investment community.

Backup: The chore you were really, honestly, going to do the very next thing
before you switched drive letters and accidentally copied older, out-of-date
versions of you files over all your newer ones at 3 a.m.

Buffer: The only other job - involving a chamois at the car wash - for which
most computer store salespeople are qualified.

Bundled software: Free applications like home dentistry packages and Esperanto
spelling dictionaries that are thrown in with cheap clones so you think youre
getting real value for your money.

CD-ROM: A $30 dollar mechanism in a $300 cabinet that accesses vast quantities
of valuable information too slowly to use.

Copy protection: A sly technique employed by hardware vendors to combat
software piracy by continually changing the size and compatibility of disk
drives (from 160K to 320K to 360K to 1.2MB to 720K to 1.44MB to 2.88MB, etc.).

CP/M: An antiquated operation system from the early days of computing, based
on inscrutable prompts like A>, terse commands, and absurdly backward
conventions, such as 11-character limits on filenames. Contrasted with todays
modern versions of DOS.

Database, flat-file: A program selling for under $500 that most people use to
keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Database, relational/programmable: A program selling for over $500 that most
people use to keep lists of names and addresses, etc.

Debugging: The process of uncovering glitches by packaging prerelease software
as finished products, then waiting for irate customers to report problems.

Downward compatibility: You really didnt have to spend the money for the
upgraded version, since all you use anyway is the old set of features.

End User: One born every minute.

Entry level: Only slightly above most users heads.

Expanded memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from extended memory.

Expansion slot: The computer didnt come with everything you needed.

Extended memory: RAM that is, uh, well, um, different from expanded memory.

FAX: Originally a last resort for procrastinators who missed the final Federal
Express pickup; these days, an expensive way to order lunch from the pizza
place around the corner.

Firmware: Software with permanent bugs hardwired into it.

Icon: One picture is worth a thousand lawsuits. Or, as Shakespeare might have
put it, He who steals my trash better have a large purse.

Installation routine: A process employed by many applications to overwrite and
thereby trash the users existing and painstakingly created AUTOEXEC.BAT and
CONFIG.SYS files

Interface, character-based: A way of presenting information to the user thats
every bit as good as a user interface except in the areas of readability, ease
of use, intuitiveness, and productivity.

Interface, graphic user (GUI): An increasingly popular way of presenting
information to the user, originally designed by Xerox PARC and now being
adopted by dozens of competitors; otherwise known as the Trial Attorney Full
Employment Act.

Laptop: A dinky keyboard wedded to a lousy LCD screen, all with bad battery
life.

Live links: A clever system that lets you unknowingly corrupt data in lots of
separate files at the same time.

Low-bandwidth: The process of talking to a corporate press relations official.
(Question: How many IBM PR types does it take to change a light bulb? Answer:
Well have to get back to you on that.)

Nanosecond: The time it takes after your warranty expires for your hard disk
to start making a sound like a monkey wrench in a blender.

NiCad battery: A cell that powers a laptop long enough to let you do three
solid hours of work, then dies before youre ready to save any of it to disk.

Open system: Made up of parts from different manufacturers so that, when you
crash, each vendor can blame the others.

Optional: It should have come free, but someone in the marketing department
ran 1-2-3 and figured theyd double their profits this way.

Parity: A ninth memory bit that one time in nine will crash an otherwise
perfectly functioning system when it detects an error in itself.

Partition: A wall you have to build around a noisy dot matrix printer that
makes only slightly less noise than a tree chipper.

Point-and-shoot: You mean youd rather click on a menu choice than have to
type things like DEVICE=DOSUTSDRIVER.SYS /D:0 /T:80 /S:15 /H:2 /F:1 ?

Power Surge: What an MIS director feels when he denies you access to your own
database.

Power user: Someone whos read the manual all the way through once.

Productivity: Printing out 30 different versions of your document before
getting the spacing correct.

Real-time clock: A 50-dollar option based on a five-cent chip.

SAA: Silly And Awkward.

Shell: A clumsy program that forces users to stumble through ten menus to get
anything done instead of typing a simple three-character command.

Shock-mounted: Make sure youre sitting down when you ask the price.

Spreadsheet: Sophisticated software that can be used as a database,
rudimentary word processor, graphing program, and, in a pinch, a ledger.

Stack: The place in the corner of the room where you pile unopened software
manuals.

Standard: Manufactured by the company that does the flashiest advertising.

Support: Fast, simple, courteous, friendly, accurate help available to any
user who happens to work for any company that bought 1,000 copies of the
product.

Throughput: What you feel like doing with your foot and your computer screen
after you see the message General Failure Error Reading Drive C:.

Toll-free hotline: An AT&T busy-signal test number.

Toner cartridge: A device to refill laser printers; invented by the
Association of American Dry Cleaners.

Torture test: Everyone - from the FedEx guy to the clerk who opened the box to
the trainee who executed the speed test - accidentally dropped it.

Tutorial: A program that forces you to sit through lessons on every last
obscure and little-used feature of an application while ignoring overall
fundamental tricks that would make you far more productive.

Unix, year of: See Calendar, perpetual.

Value-added: A lot more expensive.

Virus: Commonly, the belief of incompetent users that some mysterious external
force is to blame for their mistakes at the keyboard.

Workstation: Any PC that sells for more than $10,000.

XT: All the computer that most users who just type letters and run typical
spreadsheets will ever need, even though a 386 machine will reformat their text
a whole tenth of a second faster.

YO COMPUTER IS SO SMART THAT IT FINISH YOUR HOMEWORK BEFORE YOU WHEN YOU TAKE 5 HOURS HE ONLY TOOK 1 MINUTE ON A COLLEGE PAPER.