Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

1. Compaq is considering changing the command Press Any Key to Press Return Key because of the flood of calls asking where the Any key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldnt read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into his typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes to the technician. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of her diskettes.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer put the disk in, asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and closing the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldnt get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the screen and pressing the send key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so the Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. Yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the man said. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

8. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then he removed all the keys and washed them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was bad and invalid. The tech explained that the computers bad and invalid responses shouldnt be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldnt get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens. The foot pedal turned out to be the computers mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, What power switch?

12. A customer called Compaq to inquire about her disks. The customer had recently bought a new computer to replace her old one. The only problem was her old computer had used 5 1/4s and her new one only had a 3 1/2 drive. The tech explained that she would have to copy the information from her 5 1/4s to her 3 1/2s. The customer thanked the tech and hung up. About an hour later the same customer called and stated that her disk-drive was making funny noises. After a few questions, the customer told the tech that she didnt know how to copy and had cut the 5 1/4s to the same size as the 3 1/2s and put them in the drive!

13. True story from a Novell Netwire Sys Op:

Caller: Hello, is this tech support?

Tech Rep: Yes, how may I help you?

Caller: The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting it fixed?

Tech Rep: Im sorry, but did you say cup holder?

Caller: Yes, its attached to the front of my computer.

Tech Rep: Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, its because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotional, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?

Caller: No I didnt get it from a trade show, but it does have a trademark on it, 4X

At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldnt keep from laughing. The caller had been using the load drawer of his CD-ROM as a cup holder, and snapped it off!

IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess

If the NSA ran Christmas…
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

IBM: Intense Bowel Movement

Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods.

2. Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Mac users dont screw, they just click the genital icon.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on

Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case youd have to reinstall the engine

Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats

MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads

The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light

Now seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off

Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)

Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

Youd press the start button to shut off the engine

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas…
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for equalization of color combinations on the tree.

Once upon a time, a man decided to vacation on a cruise ship
in the Caribbean. It was wonderful–the experience of his
life! He was waited upon hand and foot. But, alas, it did
not last. A hurricane came up suddenly and the ship went
down. The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the
shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be
seen. No person, no supplies, nothing.

The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts,
but that was it. He was desperate and forlorn, but decided to
make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate
bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea
mightily for a ship to come to his rescue.

One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and
looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of
his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, from around
the corner of the island came a rowboat. In it was the most
gorgeous woman he had ever seen . . . or at least, within the
past four months. She was tall and tanned, and her blond
hair flowed in the sea breeze, giving her an almost ethereal
quality. She spotted him also (since he was waving and
yelling and screaming to get her attention), and she rowed her
boat towards him.

In disbelief, he asked, Where did you come from? How did
you get here?

She said, I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed on this island when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he said, I didnt know anyone else had survived.

How many of you are there? Where did you get the rowboat?

You must have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with
you.

It is only me, she said, and the rowboat didnt wash up,
nothing else did.

Well then, said the man, how did you get the rowboat?

I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the
island, replied the woman. The oars were whittled from Gum
tree branches, and I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and
the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.

But, but…, stuttered the man, what about tools and
hardware, how did you do that?

Oh, no problem, replied the woman, on the south side of
the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock
exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature
in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used
that for tools, then used the tools to make the hardware.

But, enough of that, she said, where do you live? At
last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleeping
on the beach. Well, lets row over to my place, she said.

So they got into the rowboat and left for her side of island.
The woman easily rowed them around to a wharf that led to the
approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a
beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and
around a palm tree, and there stood an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white. Its not much, she said, but I
call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?

No thanks, said the man, one more coconut juice and I
will puke.

It wont be coconut juice, the woman replied. I have a
still; how about a Pina Colada? Trying to hide his continued
amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to
talk. After a while, when they had exchanged their stories,
the woman asked, Tell me, have you always had a beard?

No, the man replied, I was clean shaven all of my life,
even on the cruise ship.

Well if you would like to shave, theres a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom. The man, no longer questioning
anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. In the cabinet was a
razor made from a bone handle, with two shells honed to a
hollow-ground edge fastened to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down
stairs.

You look great, said the woman, I think Ill go up and
slip into something more comfortable. The man settled in to
wait, continuing to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time,
the woman returned wearing strategically positioned fig leaves
and smelling faintly of gardenia.

Tell me something, she said, We have both been out here
for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I
mean. Have you been lonely? Is there anything that you
really miss? Something that all men and woman need?

Something that it would be really nice to have right now?

Yes there is, the man replied, moving closer to the woman
while fixing her with a long, intense gaze.

Tell me… Do you happen to have an internet connection?