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Redmond, Wash.

April 1, 1998

Microsoft today announced the newest addition to its popular Windows (TM) line of computer operating systems. Code named Atlantis, the newest offering will be officially known as Win 00, pronounced Windows double zero.

At the gala press conference, complete with red, white, and blue lights bathing the stage, Bill Gates, President and CEO of Microsoft, personally made the announcement. Multicast to every corner of the world, Gates spoke to the huge crowd of computer press, as a 60 foot high video screen behind him showed his face, and Aerosmith sang their hit Dream On in the background.

We are on the verge of the new millenium, and Microsoft is ready to lead the way into the new century. Just as we have been on the forefront of technology, claiming every advance in computing, we will now set the newest standard in the market. Taking the concept of the Virtual machine to its next logical evolutionary stage, our new operating system features the virtual desktop. No longer can the luddites claim that we have taken the look and feel of a competitors system. This concept will mark the beginning of a new paradyme for desktop computing. Yesterday we said Where do you want to go today?, and tomorrow we will say what do you want now? Microsoft has shown again that we are the only choice.

Following the rousing cheers and a standing ovation from the assembled press, Vice President Steve Ballmar continued on the theme established during the keynote speech.

As you all know, Microsoft is and will continue to be the dominant force in desktop software. To maintain our advantage, we have developed the ultimate in ease of use for our customers. Our aim was to develop something that would be everything to everyone. We have been able to achieve this and more. As fate would have it, this project, along with another initially unrelated one, came together with the spectacular results you will see. That second project, designed to target the widely held, but untrue belief that our software is bloated and buggy, had the aim of decreasing the footprint of our operating system. As both projects developed, they converged, and we found that we could achieve both goals by extending the virtual desktop concept to the ultimate level. We have virtualized the entire operating system!

This concept has many advantages. Any user can make his system anything he wants, limited only by his lack of vision. Everyone can have things exactly as they want, and if there are any glitches in the implementation, it will only be due to user error. Let me show you how powerful and easy this new concept is with an illustration. Imagine that you have to give a presentation for an important client, and that you will want to use a word processor for the text, a spreadsheet for some tabular data, and of course, some presentation graphics. Now further imagine that you have all of the Microsoft tools that will allow you to do this perfectly, conveniently located on your virtual desktop. Now imagine that you are done. Wasnt that easy!

With things this easy to use, and all responsibility for error shifted to the user, we feel that tech support is no longer needed, although such a drastic move might cause undue concern for our customers. Therefore, we have implemented a new, highly trained transitional staff to help with any issues our customers might have.

This has allowed us to put our current tech support staff to work on other critical items, including the next paradyme shift in network computing, and mowing Bills lawn. By its nature, the virtual Operating System, and the associated virtual desktop, is highly correlated to the thoughts and needs of the individual user. This ties in perfectly with Microsofts recent purchase of the Psychic Friends Network. There will be an 800 number, and each caller will get the first 10 minutes free, then the chance to talk to his or her own psychic, to help with rebuilding the virtual desktop.

Press reaction was positive, with comments such as:

• Steven Manes, columnist for PC World

  I have finally found something I can understand. It is so simple, a child could do it. There is nothing to it.

• Sandy Reed, Editor of Infoworld gushed

  The greatest thing since sliced bread. I can see now that this will be voted the best operating system in next years readers choice survey.

• Jerry Pournelle, Senior Contributing Editor of Byte Magazine

  Frankly, I dont see it, but … Bobs your Uncle.

• John Dvorak, computer columnist and radio personality

  This is revolutionary. I am surprised that no one thought of it before.

After the press conference ended, a Microsoft spokesman filled in a few more details. We are calling it Win 00, not Windows 2000, simply because we cannot garantee that it will be Year 2000 compliant, and since the Department of Justice is being so picky about anything we say, we thought a little truth in advertising would be prudent at this time. The product is scheduled for release the first quarter of 2000, and slated to ship by the third quarter of 2002. It will be available to all OEMs and VARs under the same limitations and restrictions that apply under their current licensing agreements. Windows and now the number 00 are trademarks of the Microsoft Corporation. all rights reserved.

[Note - making the rounds, no attribution could be located - ed.]

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

USA Today:
WERE DEAD

The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

Victorias Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE

Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER

Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING

Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

Readers Digest:
BYE

Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT
AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

Ladys Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW ARMAGEDDON DIET!

America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

Microsofts Web Site:
IF YOU DIDNT EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,
DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.

Sun:
ARMAGEDDON TOLERANT SOFTWARE NOW AVAILABLE!

Joke found on http://www.dupyup.com

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: Welcome Mr. Gates, weve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. Youve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since youve got me in a good mood, Ill be generous and give you a choice of three places in which youll be locked up forever.



Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.



Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bills delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, Ill take this option.



Fine, says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.



That was Bill Gates! cried Lucifer. Why did you give him the best place of all!



Thats what everyone thinks, snickered Satan. The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasnt…



What about the PC?



Its got Windows 95! laughed Satan. And its missing three keys.



Which three?



Control, Alt and Delete.——

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas…
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. yeah, I got me a couple of friends, the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks.

One of Microsofts finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, Its leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!

PCMCIA People Cant Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms





ISDN It Still Does Nothing





APPLE Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity





SCSI System Cant See It





DOS Defective Operating System





BASIC Bills Attempt to Seize Industry Control





IBM I Blame Microsoft





DEC Do Expect Cuts





CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months





OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.





WWW World Wide Wait





MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs





PENTIUM Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of



Mathematics





COBOL Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language





AMIGA A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction





LISP Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis





MIPS Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed





WINDOWS Will Install Needless Data On Whole System





GIRO Garbage In Rubbish Out





MICROSOFT Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for)



Fools (&) Teenagers.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

****GM vs MICROSOFT***** At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.



In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr Welch himself):



If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:



1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.



2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have tobuy a new car.



3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, andyou would just accept this, restart and drive on.



4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.



5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats.



6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads.



7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light.



8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.



9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off.



10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.



11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.



12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.



13. Youd press the start button to shut off the engine.