Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.
I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Hes not dead, hes electroencephalographically challenged.
Shes always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent….Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder [...]
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Its as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
If you dont like the news, go out and make some.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I dont date [...]
If we arent supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is [...]
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Im out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who cant.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
MY [...]
My karma ran over your dogma.
I brake for… wait… AAAH! NO BRAKES!!!!!
A fool and his money are a girls best friend.
Im not driving fast-just flying low.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I is a college student.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes [...]
Where theres a will…I want to be on it.
Its lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Dont drink and drive…You might hit a bump and spill it.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Be [...]
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
How Can I Miss You if You Wont Go Away?
Seen on a womans car: Men call us birds, we pick up worms
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they [...]
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: Weve got what it takes to take what youve got!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a free gift [...]
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I love cats…they taste just like chicken
Laugh alone and the world thinks youre an idiot.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….
Your kid may be an honor student but youre still [...]
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favorite words: Ill buy it for you.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.
Adults are just kids who owe money.
Who are these [...]