Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Bill walks into a bar. He sits down. He takes out a little tiny man and sits him on the bar. Takes out a little tiny piano. Sets it on the bar. The little tiny man starts playing the little tiny piano.Bob, who is sitting next to Bill, looks at him and says, Holy crap. Whered you get that? Bill replies, Well, I wished for it. Out back, behind the bar, theres a lamp with a genie in it. I rubbed it and he granted me a wish…So Bob goes out behind the bar and sure enough, he finds a lamp. He rubs it and a genie comes out and says that hell grant him one wish. I wish for a million bucks! Bob said. So the sky parts and a million ducks fall out. Bob walks back into the bar and sits back down next to Bill. What the hell? I asked for a million bucks and I got a million DUCKS! Bob said frustrated. Bill looks at Bob and nods. Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

A local bar regular had been drinking all night. This particular night the regular drank a little more than usual.

The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the regular stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 3 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly. So, youve been out drinking again!! What makes you say that? He asks as he puts on an innocent look. The bar called, you left your wheelchair there again.

You got any overdue library books? Cause you got fine written all over you!

A drunk walks into a bar and says loudly, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE, and have one yourself, too!

The crowd cheers, the bartender pours and passes out the drinks, then knocks back a shot himself.

Thatll be $80 for the round, says the bartender, to which the man replies, I dont have a plug nickel.

The angry bartender drags the man to the door and roughly throws him into the street.

The next night, the drunk again walks in and says, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE—and go ahead and have one yourself, too!

As the crowd cheers, the bartender reasons to himself that no one would come in and do that twice, and that the man probably has the money for the previous night, so he passes out the shots and knocks one back himself.

Ok, thats $80 for last night, and $63 for tonight,

The man replies, I dont have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of, sorry to say.

The bartender, enraged at this, smashes the man in the head over and over as he drags him to the door and again throws him roughly into the street.

The next night, amazingly, the bartender hears over his shoulder as hes working, Bartender? A ROUND FOR THE HOUSE.

Turning around, he cant believe the drunk is back for a third time.

What, nothing for me this time?

Hell no, says the drunk. You get MEAN when you drink!

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a Budweiser, or…!" Scared, the bartender serves the man his Budweiser. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it. The next day, the hooligan returns.
"Give me a Budweiser, or…!"
"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.
"A small Coke."

A woman at a party walked up to a man and told him, If you were my husband I would poison your drink." The man replied, If you were my wife I would drink it.

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why? The man replies, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home.

Heres a very old joke we like to tell in England i hope you like it:

A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: Why the long face?

A man walks up to the bartender and says, I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop.

The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, hell take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak.

He not only misses the jar, but doesnt even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.

The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!.

Paddy OShea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish and they took him to an upscale Irish pub.

Amazin, just amazin, thats what America is, he said, looking with delight into his glass.

Never have I been seein an ice cube with a hole in it!

Oi sure have, said his host, Michael Sullivan.

Bin married to one fer fifteen years.