Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

A lady stumbles into a bar. She says, Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it. He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because..because Ive got heartburn.

The bartender says, Look, lady…its not beertender, its bartender. Its not a martuni, its a martini. Its not a dribble, its a double. Thats not a pickle, its an onion. And you havent got heartburn, You have your left tit in the Ashtray!

…and orders a soda. The bartender asks why he doesnt want his usal shot.
The man replies, I dont drink anymore.Last night I blew chunks.
so what? the bartender replies
everyone gets a little sick after drinking at times.
no no. the man relpies you dont understand, Chunks is my dog

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

SCENARIO Big black bear walks into a bar in British Columbia, Canada and sits up at the bar.

BLACK BEAR A beer please, bartender.

BARTENDER We dont serve big, black bears beer in bars!

BLACK BEAR Come on. just one.

BARTENDER Ill tell you once more. We dont serve big, black bears beer in bars!

BLACK BEAR If you dont give me a beer, Ill go and eat the girl sitting at the end of this bar.

SCENARIO No beer. Bear eats girl sitting at bar!

BARTENDER I told you we dont serve big, black bears beer in bars, especially one on drugs.

BLACK BEAR I dont do drugs!

BARTENDER Yes you do, … that was a bar bitch you ate!

A bartender is preparing to close the bar. He has to ask the last man to leave after staying all afternoon & evening.

The man leaves with no problem. The bartender sweeps up, puts the chairs up, turns out the lights and is just about to lock the door when someone pounds on the door.

He opens the door to find the man who he had just asked to leave standing there.

The drunk says You have to help me, I cant find my car.

The bartender asks Where did you last see it?

The drunk replies It was right here on the end of my key.

The bartender realizing that the man was in no condition to drive, told him come on back in, Ill turn on the lights and call you a cab.

When he got the man inside, he noticed that his fly was open and his pecker was hanging out.

He told the man Hey, your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out!!

The drunk looked down in astonishment and screamed OH NO! First my Car and NOW my Girlfriend!!!!

A German, a Pollock, and a Jew sit down at the bar.

The Bartender says, What is this, some kind of Joke?

A Rabbi walks into a bar to use the restroom. He walks up to the bartender,
and asks Can I please use the restroom? The place was hoppin with music, and
dancin, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, I really dont think you
should.

The Rabbi again, asks, Can I please use the restroom? Well, the
bartender says to the Rabbi, I really dont think you should, you see, there
is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and shes only covered by a fig leaf!

The Rabbi responded with, Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by
that statue! Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the
stairs.

The Rabbi proceeded to the restroom, and after a few minutes, he came
back out, and the whole place was hoppin with music and dancin again! He went
to the bartender and said, Sir, I dont understand, when I came in here, the
place was hoppin with music and dancin, then the place became absolutely quiet.
I went to the restroom, and the place is hoppin again.

The bartender says,
Well, now youre one of us, can I get you a drink? The Rabbi says, I
still dont understand. The bartender told him, You see, everytime the fig
leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I
get you a drink?

three men walk into a bar you would think the last one would of seen it

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He starts eating the beer nuts at the bar and he hears a voice say,

Wow! You look GREAT tonight!

The man looks over at the bartender who didnt say anything and just keeps drinking and eating beer nuts and he hears something again!

Thats an awesome shirt! You are amazing!

He looks around and hes the only guy in the place so asks the bartender if he had heard anything and the bartender says, Was the voice saying bad things or good things?

And the man replies, Good things, why?

And the bartender says, It must have been the complimentary nuts.

Joe: Well I went to the doctor this morning and told him I had to get some of those Viagra pills. The Doctor told me they wouldnt help my love life at all.

Bartender: Why not? I thought that they would do the trick for any guy.

Joe: The Doctor told me it wouldnt help me at all to put a good flag pole on such a worn out old building!