Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, the cop says.

Why do you have all those knives?

Theyre for my juggling act, the man says.

I dont believe you, says the cop.

Prove it.

So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

Man, says the first guy.

Im glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?" "Im from Ireland." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me too! Ill drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Dublin are you from?" "The East Side." "The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! Ill drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more."Where on the East Side are you from?" "McDonagh Street." "Me too! This is incredible! Ill drink to that." As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "Thats amazing! I cant believe theyre from the same street in Dublin. Whats going on?" "Oh, its nothing amazing," says the bartender,"its just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."

A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says, "May I help you, sir?" The duck says, "Yeah. Help me get this human out of my ass."

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they discuss her rating, which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, Id give her a 7. Shes really quite pretty.

Another agrees, and so does the third. The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, Nah, Id only give her a 3.

A 3? How can you give her a 3?

says one of the three guys at the table.

Shes a real pretty girl.

The bartender, walking away, says, Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that hed only give her a 5.

A 5? How can you give her just a 5? Shes absolutely gorgeous! The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

The Budweiser method?

they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 511 goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three judges at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? Shes gorgeous! Well, says the bartender again, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

Budweiser! says one of the guys, exasperated.

What in the Hell is this Budweiser method for rating women?

Well, says the bartender, the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, We dont serve your kind in here.

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, Why not? Were cultured individuals.

This guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small, he says. The doctor asks him which drink he prefers.

Well, American beer, he replies quite bemused.

Aaaahhh. Theres your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

I take it you now drink Guinness?

asked the doctor.

Oh no, Doc, replies the man, but Ive got the wife on American beer!

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.Jeez, the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home.That was nice of you, she says, looking around…
But wheres his wheelchair?

The bartender say, Sorry, we dont serve food here.

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.



The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?



No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.



The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?



It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Oh really? Whats it telling you now? she inquires.

Well, it says youre not wearing any panties…



The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!



And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,

Damn thing must be an hour fast!

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesnt need any trouble here.



The guy says, You dont understand. Im very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.



The bartender says Prove it. The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.



Thats incredible, says the bartender…I would never have believed it!



Yeah, said the guy, I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the mens room? The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesnt return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the mens room.



There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. Oh my god! said the bartender. Did they rob you? Are you hurt?



The guy turns to him and says: No, Im ok… Im just waiting for a fax.