Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.

Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.

I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, Keith, were in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied, No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs.

Picture this All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!

USAir recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, What trip?

This IT support pilot fish gets a trouble ticket for a users CD-ROM drive that isnt working correctly.

But its been a long week with too many dumb users, and fish is more than a little jaundiced. Heck, I dont even know exactly what the problem is, but my first thought is that the customer isnt able to listen to her audio CDs, he says.

I drift off in thought and begin making my assumptions, fish admits. There must be a real user out there whose PC is blue-screened … and then theres this flaky user whos whining that she cant listen to her Garth Brooks CDs. Hardly a priority! … These machines are business tools, not entertainment devices. … We never intended that people would be playing music CDs on our machines …

I realize Im causing my own pain with these thoughts, says fish. Besides, it might be a real problem, he figures – at one point, the company received a batch of PCs with defective CD drives that require a patch to work. Or the system BIOS might not auto-detect the drive. Or there could be a loose connection …

User is out when fish gets to her desk, and a quick troubleshooting routine turns up no problems with the CD-ROM drive – it seems to work fine.

But just as he is sticking a note to her CRT, in she walks, and frantically explains, I cant listen to my Garth Brooks CD!

You know, writes fish, you run these scenarios in your head, but you never think youre going to be so close to the truth.

I ask her for the Garth CD, he says. I plop it in, and it auto-starts and plays just fine.

So whats the problem? he asks.

User shakes her head with a distraught expression on her face, and blurts, But it wont play side B!

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

$10 for 3 minutes, replied the pilot.



Thats too much, said the farmer.



The pilot thought for a second and then said, Ill make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, youll have to pay $10.



The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.



Maybe so, said the farmer, But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do Kamakazie pilots wear helmets?

Why do they sterlize needles for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship styrofoam?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

One day at school, the teacher was talking to the class about there parents occupations.

Jane put up her hand and said, My mother is a nurse.

The teacher said, Thats wonderful, she helps to cure sick people.

Andrew then out up his hand. My father is a pilot, he said.

The teacher said, Congratulations! Your father helps people get to where they are going.

Johnny then said, Miss, my father plays the piano in a brothel.

The teacher quickly changed the topic, but kept it in her head for later reference.

At the parent/teacher night a month later Johnnys parents came to see the teacher and the teacher asked him if he really was a piano player in a brothel.

Johnnys father replied that he wasnt. But that is what he told Johnny because he didnt want to admit to being a lawyer.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.

If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

A pilot, the President, Micheal Jackson, a librarian, and some kids are on a plane that is about to crash. There are just enough parachutes that one person must die.



The pilot says Well, Im the pilot so i have to live, so he jumps out with a parachute.





The President says Well Im the President and I have to run the country so i should live,





But what about the kids? said the librarian.





Screw the kids said the President.





I already did said Micheal Jackson.

Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their secret base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilots story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasnt a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying you-did-not-see-a-base briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the SAME Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MPs surrounded the plane…only this time there were two people inside.The same pilot jumped out with hands raised and said, Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!