An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if airplanes had different operating systems running them.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage handlers look the same, act the same and talk the same. Every time you ask a question, you are told you dont need to know, dont want to know and everything will be done for you without your knowing, so just shut up.
OS/2: To get on board, you have to have your ticket stamped 10 different times by standing in 10 different lines. Then you fill out a form asking how you want your seating arranged–with the look and feel of an ocean liner, a passenger train or a bus. If you get on board and off the ground, you will have a wonderful trip, except when the rudder and flaps freeze, in which case you have time to say your prayers before you crash.
Windows: Colorful airport terminal, friendly flight attendants, easy access to a plane, and an uneventful takeoff. Then, all in a sudden, boom! You blow up without any warning whatsoever.
NT: The terminal and flight attendants all look like those the Windows plane uses, but the process of checking in and going through security is a nightmare. Once aboard, those passengers with first class tickets can go anywhere they want and arrive in half the time, while the vast majority of passengers with coach tickets cant even get aboard.
Unix: Everyone brings one piece of the plane. Then they go on the runway and piece it together, all the while arguing about what kind of plane theyre building.
CAIRO: The airplane is distributed among 47 different hangars in 13 airports scattered over 8 states, 4 Canadian provinces, and a remote mountain hideaway in Nicaragua. But you dont need to know where the airplane is or who it belongs to in order to fly it. Actually, you dont fly the airplane itself; you fly a simulation that behaves just like the real thing except that you dont go anywhere. But thats okay, because when the world is at your fingertips you never need to leave home.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.
(P)= PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. (S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud. (S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield. (S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent. (S) Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
(P) IFF inoperative. (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. (S) Thats what they are there for.
(P) Number three engine missing. (S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
(P) Aircraft handles FUNNY. (S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
(P) Target radar hums. (S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.
An American pilot who had downed a German Messerschmidt, visited the German
pilot in the field hospital. Finding the fellow in pretty bad shape, the
American asked if he could do anything for him.
The Nazi admitted that he did have a favour to ask. The leg they amputated, on
your next bombing run, could you drop it over Germany?
Sure, pal.
It was a pretty weird request, but the pilot was happy to oblige and came back
to tell him the mission had been carried out.
The grateful German gasped his thanks, and another request. The other leg got
very bad, they had to cut it off. Could this, too, be dropped over my homeland?
It would mean a great deal to me.
The American shrugged, but returned two days later with the news that the job
was done.
Many thanks, whispered the downed Nazi, now ashen faced and unable to lift his
head from the pillow. I have just one final request. Last night they had to
amputate my right arm…
Now hang on just a darn minute, interrupted the American angrily. Are you
trying to escape?
THINGS TO PONDER…….
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
Why isnt there mouse-flavored cat food?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why dont sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what the consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then, the paper reports: The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
- Audobon Magazine
[Ed: Reportedly told in the November 88 Playboy Party Joke Column]
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada.
Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, Remember only one
moose, because the plane wouldnt be able to take off with more weight
than that. The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to
pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.
The pilot fumes, I told you guys only one moose, youll have to leave one
because we wont be able to take off with that much weight. Oh, cmon,
beg the two hunters, Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, youre
just a chicken.
Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to
bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake,
straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as
they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the
lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks
at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, Where are we? To which
the other hunter replies, Oh, Id say about a hundred yards farther than
last year.
Joe Dakes
Newly arrived in the U.S., immigrants Mario and Luigi go to the urban unemployment office.
What line of work are you in? the agent asks Mario.
I pilot, replies Mario.
Im sure I can find a place for you, says the efficient woman, handing him an application to fill out. Then she turns to Luigi, And what kind of work do you do?
I lumberjack, he answers.
Hmmmmm … Im afraid we dont have any openings for lumberjacks.
Suddenly Mario looks up. Hey, you must be crazy, lady!
The agent is taken aback. What are you talking about?
Well, if he no cut it, how you expect me to pile it?
U.S.Air: When you just cant wait for the world to come to you.
U.S.Air: Were Amtrak with wings.
Join our frequent near-miss program.
On certain flights, every section is a smoking section.
Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
Our staff has had lots of experience consoling next-of-kin.
Are our jet engines too noisy? Dont worry. Well turn them off.
Complimentary champagne during free-fall.
Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
The kids will love our inflatable slides.
You think its so easy, get your own damn plane!
Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?
Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
U.S.Air: We may be landing on your street.
U.S.Air: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
Bring a bathing suit.
Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get as close as possible for the best view.
That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.
Fly U.S.Air. Find out if there really is a God.
U.S.Air: A real man lands where he wants to.
Excerpted from Masquerade: The Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, Seymour Reit (Signet, 1980):
Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots.
The German airfield, constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.
There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.
The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.