Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Whales are mammals. Mammals have hair. SHAVE THE WHALES!

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but They only say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible!, the priest exclaimed, Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in and they say, Hi, we are Prostitutes! Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!!!

SHARING A DONKEY

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the
donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people
who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was
riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, What a shame, he makes that
little boy walk. They then decided they both would walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk
when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put
such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably
right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell
into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story; If you try to please everyone, you might as well
kiss your ass good-bye.

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

Yes, the pet store owner said, this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

Thats to be expected, said the pet shop owner. Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you. Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrots owner returned and said there still had been no talking.

I see, said the pet shop owner. Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it. A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrots owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrots owner was there waiting as the store opened. Still no luck? asked the store owner.

No. Nothing said yet, answered the birds owner. Well, I bet the birds just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop. What? You want me to buy another bird!?! yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

No, no, calm down, reassured the store owner. All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion.

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned … this time with the parrot, only it was dead! What happened? asked the store owner, Didnt the bird ever talk?

Yes, right before it died it said: Whats the matter? Dont they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks.

Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common?
A: Theyre all married

Once there was a blonde driving home from work when she saw a sheep farm. She stops and asks the farmer if she can have a sheep. The farmer says If you can count all my sheep Ill let you have any one you want. The blonde looks around her for a moment and says, You have 356 sheep. The farmer exclaims, Wow — youre exactly right. I guess blondes really arent dumb. Now go pick yourself out a sheep.
The blonde makes her choice, picks it up, comes back to the farmer to thank him. Oh no, he says, you cant have that one. Why not? asks the blonde, you said I could have any sheep I wanted. And the farmer says, Maam, thats my dog.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky!

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.

Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?

He thinks for a minute and says, Well its used to being in its mothers pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in there it will calm down.

She exclaims, Im not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!

The husband replies, Well, why dont you just hold its little nose!