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Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons…

Hold it! Hold it!. Thats Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Lets go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway…

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

— Songs of Cesium #76

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
Sir, the cop says.

Why do you have all those knives?

Theyre for my juggling act, the man says.

I dont believe you, says the cop.

Prove it.

So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.

Man, says the first guy.

Im glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, Arent you Moses?

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the mans view and asked again, Arent you Moses?

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the mans sleeve and asked once again, Arent you Moses?

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, Yes I am.

George W. asked him why he was so uppity.

Moses replied, The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!

You might be a redneck if…

Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.

There are more than five McDonalds bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment

A man was in a bad accident and was injured but the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious.

However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm.

He realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same. Do you notice anything unusual about me? he asked the first candidate.

Yes. You have no ears.

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

Do you notice anything unusual about me? he asked the second candidate.

Yes. You have no ears.

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

Do you notice anything unusual about me? he asked the third candidate.

Yes. Youre wearing contacts.

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, Thats correct. How did you know?

You cant wear glasses if you dont have ears!

En la facultad de medicina de una prestigiosa universidad, varios estudiantes están en el laboratorio de fisiología. El médico profesor, como es su costumbre, inicia la clase con una pregunta sobre los temas vistos en el laboratorio anterior y, para ello, escoge al azar a una alumna que no había estudiado.

El profesor pregunta:

Señorita, dígame: ¿cuántos mililitros eyacula, en promedio, un hombre?

La alumna, nerviosa, responde: 200 mililitros, profesor.

El profesor, muy circunspecto, la mira y comenta:

Señorita, temo decirle que a usted la mearon.

Un borracho entra en un bar; se acerca a la barra y pide una cerveza. Mientras se la bebe dice en voz alta y muy embriagado:

Todos los que están a mi derecha de la barra son unos imbéciles. Y todos los que están a mi izquierda son unos gilipollas.

Salta uno de los de su izquierda y reclama:

¡Perdona, pero yo no soy un gilipollas!

Pues pasa al otro lado, ¡IMBÉCIL!

Después de una larga travesía, dos marineros llegan al puerto y lo primero que hacen es dirigirse al bar a tomarse unos tragos. Al rato de estar, el dueño del bar dice:

Ahora damos inicio al show… 2,000 pesos al que haga llorar al gran elefante!

Pasan varios y los intentos son en vano. Entonces un marinero le dice al otro: Esos 2000 pesos son míos.

Sale el marino a la calle, busca dos hermosas piedras y regresa donde el gran elefante y se le pone de frente con las piedras en las manos levantadas, enseñándoselas… se va detrás del elefante y le pega en los huevos como si estuviera con platillos… resultado, el gran elefante era una mar de llanto… el escándalo, el dueño afligido… qué barbaridad, me lisiaste a mi elefante, toma y no regreses…

Al cabo de varios años, regresa el mismo marino al mismo puerto y se dirige al bar, entra y está el mismo show del gran elefante… da inicio y dice el dueño: 4000 al que haga decir al gran elefante primero SI y despues NO.

Entonces nuestro marinero dice: esos 4000 son míos…

Pero apenas se levanta, el dueño lo encara y le dice que él no por que la última vez le ocasionó mucho daño al elefante.

No se preocupe, no le haré ningún daño.

Sale a la calle, recoge dos hermosas piedras, una en cada mano, se pone enfrete del gran elefante y le dice: Elefantito… te acordás de mi… y el elefante asustado levanta el moco y sacude la cabeza indicando Sí.

¿Querrés que te lo vueva hacer?

Y el elefante sacude la cabeza: ¡NOOOO!

There once was a snake breeder who had two snakes he was trying to mate. For the life of him, he couldnt get them within two feet of each other. Frustrated, he called up the local zoologist, and explained the situation. She hurried over, picked up the snakes and looked at them. You know what I would do? she said. See that tree over there? Chop it down, chop off a good sized log, split the log in two, and make two tables out of them. Put the tables and the snakes into a cage, and let them go at it.

Well, the breeder thought that this was insane, but having no other options, he tried it. Sure enough, a few days later he had a whole slew of baby snakes. He called up the zoologist, and asked her how that was possible. She replied, Well, you see, those snakes were adders. And everybody knows that to get adders to multiply you need log tables.

How many quadriplegics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I dont know, but youve got to admit that it would probably be fun to watch…