Haios!Funny Jokes, Funny pictures, Free Flash Games, Wigi Games

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Chopin!
Chopin who?
Chopin the supermarket!

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two and a professor to take credit.

A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blond are sitting in a doctors office, talking about what sex of child they are going to have.

The Brunette says I am going to have a boy because I was on top when having sex.

The Redhead replied I am going to have a girl because I was on the bottom while having sex.

Then the Blond says hesterically Oh my God, I am going to have puppies.

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the pilot and Gerry the co-pilot.

As they approached Dublin Airport, they looked out of the front window.

By Jesus, said Paddy, will you look at how fookin short that runway is.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

This is going to be one of the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see, said Paddy.

Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy, replied Gerry.

Roit Gerry, when I give the signal, you put to engines in reverse, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you put the flaps down straight away, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you stamp on tern brakes as hard as you can, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

And den you pray to Mother Mary with alla you soul, said Paddy.

Roit, Ill be doing dat, replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, rammed the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amid roaring engines, squealing of tires and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt 2 cm from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Gerry, Dat has gotta be to shortest fookin runway I have ever seen in my whole life.

Gerry looked out the side window and replied, Yeah Paddy, and the fookin widest too.

Una mujer de 25 años le cuenta a una amiga sobre su matrimonio con un señor de 65.

Es tan caballero: me trae flores todos los días, me regala bombones, me lleva de paseo, fuimos de vacaciones a Hawai, me compra ropa todas las semanas, cine, teatro, cenas en los mejores restaurantes, joyas, etc.

¿Y en la cama?, pregunta la amiga.

En la cama hacemos el tratamiento.

¿Cuál tratamiento?

Él trata y yo miento.

Two robins were lying on their backs, basking in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by.

The kitten complained, Mama, Im sooo hungry, what can we eat?



To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, How about some Baskin Robbins?

Osama bin Laden finally gets his due when a one-ton tomahawk



missile lands



on his tent one day. He immediately goes to



hell, where the devil is waiting



for him.



I dont know what to do here, says the devil. You are on



my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to



stay here,



so Ill tell you what Im going to do: Ive got a



couple of people here



who werent quite as bad as you. Ill



let one of them go, but you have



to take their place. Ill



even let YOU decide who leaves.



Osama bin



Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil



opened the first room.



In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept



diving in and



surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over.



Such was his fate in hell.



No, said Osama bin Laden, I dont think so. Im not a good



swimmer and



I dont think I could do that all day long.



The devil led him to the



next room. In it was the Ayatollah



Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a



room full of rocks. All



he did was swing that hammer, time after time after



time.



No, Ive got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in



constant



agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,



commented Osama bin Laden.



The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill



Clinton,



lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head,



and his legs staked



in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was



Monica Lewinsky, doing what she



does best. Osama bin Laden



looked in disbelief and finally said, Yeah,



I can handle



this.



The devil smiled and said, OK, Monica, youre free



to go.

If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.